[10.27] IV - Halves and Have Nots
It should be said that at this very moment, I am groovin'.
Oh fine, I guess I can stop groovin' long enough to throw together a new column for everyone.
I have stopped groovin.
Ok, this week brought me a truly bizarre group of letters. I thought the Viewtiful powers topic was fun, but some people totally ignored it, others flamed me, and only one person really gave me a coherent response (strangely enough, the person who suggested the topic in the first place). Unless I can think of a good topic by the time this column's over, your topic for next week will be "DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF?" so let's hope and pray to Holy Bob of Motor City or whatever the hell it is you kids are into these days that I do.
As an aside, I'd like to point out for the Bologna fans in the reading audience, a typical package of Thick Cut Oscar Mayer Bologna contains twelve slices. I discovered that when, after purchasing two packs of eight hamburger buns each on which to consume the meat, I used only twelve of the sixteen total buns and ran out of meat. This is truly upsetting.
Mambo Tango Foxtrot and such. Here're some letters.
| This Once |
Hey, what's up, since most of your recents HC's, have been dealing with the issue of N5 (got to love the name) my thoughts were like most other people were: Launch same time as competition and to release the big games. But I think there is a major point missing, I am not liking the idea the new Mario game, this supposed revolutionary game is going to be released on Gamecube, I mean I love my Gamecube, (especially F-Zero), but my point is, if it's this big, this revolutionary why not wait untill N5 comes out? Since it will be a fresh begining for NIntendo. My other statement is with Nintendo releasing a New Zelda game at the launch of N5, it should be the releastic Zelda, the mature look that all the cel-shaded haters were prasing, wouldn't this give NIntendo the advantage they need. Now I am not saying bloody up the game, but having a realistic Link can attract a lot of Notaligic coustomers. Remember while Nintendo needs to find a way to break through into the mainstream there are still 10's of millions of hardcore gamers like me and you that would eat up a mature looking Link (don't deny it). Especially fanboys of X-box and PS2,as you could see on the messege boards people listing reasons for hating the Cube and one of them will be "kiddie games like Celda". Finally a launch around Madden game, would be a great way to show off the graphic systems that won't be seen to mainstream coustomers. People will eat it up, look at how well Madden 04 is selling, and there would be a lot of people lining up to get an N5, with a new Mario/Zelda game with the next-gen Football game (cause people like to show off new systems, and football games just have a great appeal). Refer to DC launch with those amazing graphcs in NFL2K) and it wasn't for the hype of Sony effecting casual gamers mind "oh I think I will wait for Ps2" Dreamcast could of been a great system.
Final rundown of what I want to see at launch:
N5
Mature Zelda (or new Mario)
solid 3rd party games
Sports a neccesity
Wirless controllersPeace
Satish Rajaram
| I Went Ding on the Xylophone |
I noticed you didn't mention Viewtiful powers, so I'll just pretend that you said you'd use them to enjoy Blimpie brand sandwiches in zoom so you could savor their tasty goodness.
In regards to your letter, ....yeeeahhh I can see where you're coming from with the holding out until N5 for this super mondo revolutionary game, but when you think about it, the Cube's been around for just barely three years now, and really any HUGE first-party title they put out is likely going to have been in development for a little while already. It'd probably be best to get those titles out and make money on the GameCube software while they still can, simultaneously focusing some manpower on the N5 or whathaveyou. I think a realistic Zelda game would be neat, but I'm not holding my breath. I mean, not that I do it anyway, even if I know something's gonna be announced. If they said "we're gonna announce a realistic Zelda game in thirty seconds" I don't even know if I'd hold my breath then.
The rest of your points there at the end I agree with, except for your spellings of necessity and wireless.
| OMG HI 2 U! |
AS AN AVID NINTENDO JUNKIE, I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE HIGHER INTELLIGENCE OF THE GAMING COMMUNITY. WE KNOW THAT THE PINNACLE OF MEANINGFUL AMUSEMENT BELONGS WITH NINTENDO. I KNEW THAT WHEN I WAS 9. I'M 22 NOW... AND MAN DO I LOVE MY LITTLE BLACK CUBE. I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I HAVE A CURRENT FRUSTRATION WITH THE GAMING MARKET RIGHT NOW. I OWN MOST EVERY MAJOR NINTENDO RELEASE FOR MY CUBE, INCLUDING MOST OF THE BEST THIRD PARTY GAMES. (FAVES RIGHT NOW ARE VIEWTIFUL JOE AND REBEL STRIKE) WAS F-ZERO AND SSBM....ANYWAYS, I HATE VIDEO GAME WEBSITES. YOU KNOW THEY GET EXCITED TO PREVIEW NEW GAMES AND WHAT NOT. BUT I NOTICE THEY WILL HYPE A GAME TO HELL, IS IT TO GET THE COMPANY TO RELEASE PREVIEW BUILDS TO THEM? OR FOR MEDIA FROM THE COMPANY? ANYWAYS, I BEGIN TO HOTTLY ANTICPATE THE TITLES LIKE REBEL STRIKE, READ UP ON THEM AND PRE-ORDER (IS TRUE CRIME HONESTLY GONNA BE GOOD) NO B.S.....THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE REVIEWS POUR IN.. .WTF!! WHY NOT TELL THE FLAWS WITH YOUR HANDS- ON IMPRESSIONS? DR PHIL TELLS IT LIKE IT IS. DON'T KISS THE GAMES BUTT, SAY '' LOOK, NOT SHAPING UP WELL OR I DON'T THINK IT''LL BE ALL THAT GREAT, THE CONTROLS ARE PROBABLY TO MESSED AT THIS POINT IN DEVELOPMENT..'' ANYWAYS, I WAS HIGHLY UNIMPRESSED WITH MARIO SUNSHINE....I WANT MY KINGDOM BACK, I WAS EXTREMELY IMPRESSED WITH METROID PRIME. I LIKED ZELDA MORE SINCE IT LOOKED LIKE A CARTOON (IT ACTUALLY INTRESTED ME MORE) I SEE VIDEOGAMES AS AN ART FORM AND NOT REALITY SIMS. THIS IS JUST A BIG RAMBLE BUT PAY ATTENTION...I THINK AN AWESOME SUGGESTION WOULD BE A MEGA-HIT LAUNCH TITLE...TKAE THE EPIC PROPORTIONS OF FINAL FANTASY, ZELDA AND MARIO FRANCHISES MIS IT WITH STRATEGY OF PIKMIN AND PUZZLES LIKE RES EVIL AND CREATE A SMASH BROS TYPE RPG WITH ALL MAJOR NINTENDO CHARACTERS, SPANNING ZEBES, HYRULE, MUSHROOM KINGDOM, YOSHIS ISLAND, WITH TANOOKI POWERUPS AND ZEDA MAGIC. RENDER IT BEAUTIFULLY AND INCLUDE VIEWTIFUL ELEMNTS. NEAT HUH? HEY, KINGDOM HEARTS DID WELL!
BY THE WAY I THINK YOUR PRETTY DARN HOT (SORRY IF THAT FREAKS YOU OUT)--IN NO WAY DO I MEAN TO OFFEND YOU.
MATT
| TKAE ME OFF UR LIST |
Dear Matt,
As an avid Nintendo-column-writer, I believe the higher intelligence of the gaming community resides in my readers, who take the time to write me carefully punctuated and argumentally sound letters on a variety of topics.
Video game magazines tend to kiss ass because they are looking for sexual favors from game developers, also free Blimpie brand sandwiches. I can think of at least one occasion when I've done something for the column simply so I could mention Blimpie brand sandwiches. After all, they're tasty and good. Enjoy Blimpie today.
As for your idea about the launch title in which you control Zelda and Mario through an eighty-hour RPG while throwing Pikmin around to find gold crests to put above fireplaces so you can unlock the deck of the Great Fox to battle a variety of characters in yet another sub-RPG taking place on not only Samus Aran's franchise world, but in the under-water Hyrule and the remote Yoshi's Island amongst raccoon suits and "zeda" magic and slow motion and zoom and mach speed, I think it's brilliant. In fact, if I had the power, I'd forward the idea to Nintendo right now.
I don't know where you got a picture you thought was of me, but it probably wasn't me and was instead my brother Herbie. I've expressed to him your interest. He thanks you for your kind words while stroking his hair slowly and deliberately.
| Great Taste Since 1905 |
My dear friend Brandon, I am flattered you used my idea for this weeks topic, and I'm impressed with your use of the zoom ability--but using the powers to steal? Why, Viewtiful Powers are only for the good of all man and movie-kind, not for lighting poor civilans ablaze!
You do know that if you do this, I could not allow you to go on. Using my own Viewtiful-ness, I would face you in a battle to the death!
Woosh!
It'd be kinda cool though, cause we'd have this sweet Joe/Another Joe thing going on, and the media would really lap that up. Of course, you'd get all the negitive attention because of your greety civilan scourching. You might as well call yourself somthing Viewtiful-Joe-Boss-esque, like Brandon von Brute--or Bullet B.
Anyway, after I defeat you in our wild, globe-spanning melee, everything would go dark and you would utter a few last words then blow up in a series of small explosions, all the while the camera circles whilest I stand in a cool pose. Afterwards I'd say somthing witty (not unlike what you are so good at in this odd column on this sweet litte website) then an announcer would tell of my victory and then hint at my next adventure. Henshin a Go Go indeed.
So, until you change your wicked ways, you cannot avoid the unavoidable. Perhaps we could work togeather, and maybe go on tour or somthing---for you know, stealing isn't the only way to make some cash when you can run at mach speeds and knock bullets back with your bare hands.
May the Triforce be with you.
-Viewtiful Davis
| Royal Crown Me |
You know I couldn't allow you to defeat me and deprive me of all the money I could get while torching the tiny people of the Weebles village. I'd have to use my own special move, the Weeble flame, during which I set an aforementioned Weeble ablaze and toss him or her at you in slow-motion so the excruciating fire exacts slow revenge on your dishonorable cel-shaded person.
Then I would take your money and burn your house down. But this time, to show I care.
I liked the concept of Viewtiful powers until I realized all I'd use them for would be to burn things and people and their houses. It kind of lost some appeal after that. I'm in therapy for the problem, I assure you all.
| I Will Smite You |
Okay, first of all, talking about how you would use Viewtiful powers is definitely not a fun subject to discuss. It sounds kind of ridiculous to talk about how you would use powers that, in reality, cannot be used. I thought this was a website where discussion is more mature than that. We should be discussing more topics related to the gaming industry and Nintendo. So what I would use my viewtiful powers on would be to speed through the week so we can get on to the next topic. One interesting topic to discuss would be the following:
Capcom has brought back a genre that is extinct from next-generation consoles, the 2-D side scroller. They took an idea that was so plain, so simple, so outdated, and so used and made a game that gives you a whole new perspective on 2-D side scrollers. What other genres can be redefined that we have not done so far.
1) Fighting games, besides Soul Caliber, have been losing their edge.
2)RPGs are always based on the renaissance, magic, and war. Has anyone tried making a different RPG, like a sports RPG or racing RPG?
3) I think it is time for a new genre. Looking how accepted Reality TV has been going, how about making a reality genre for video games?
4) Like the Getaway and soon to be released True Crimes: Streets of LA, more games should be based on real landscapes. This can teach the player a lot about that city and how the people in that city live.
5) Nintendo has done a great job with their marketing blitz. With the little TV that I watch (about 45 minutes a day), I have seen so many Nintendo commercials. Lets hope they do not slow down.
-Tommy D
| You Have Been Smote |
First of all, Tommy D, I'd like to say that I appreciate the fact that you decided to write a letter to the column, and I'm glad you expressed your viewpoint.
With that in mind, I'd like to wonder out loud in text:
"Discussion more mature than that?"
"Speed through the week to the next topic?"
"Viewtiful powers.... not a fun subject?"
I just don't get it. You write in to an admittedly kooky column to express how much you dislike the carefree, lighthearted topic, only to suggest we discuss why there isn't a Reality TV genre of video game, why more games aren't using realistic landscapes, and why more RPGs aren't less traditional (and presumably more based in modern day times)? Surely you have some twisted sense of humor, your fixation with reality notwithstanding, and are using excessive sarcasm through your entire letter.
But I don't think so. So what I'm doing is putting your letter here at the end, to give the illusion that maybe I'm choosing one of your several topics. But I'm not and here's why.
I don't believe video games are about reality; I believe they're about fun. Escape. Some people might argue with me, and I bet maybe you're one of them, but even when people play pseudo-realistic titles like Bushido Blade or Grand Theft Auto or some derivative football game, they still do things they'd never do in person. I might wield a samurai sword tomorrow, but I won't assume three different stances and fell my friends with one fell slash. I could play football in real life, but I'll never catch a 90-yard touchdown pass as a receiver for my beloved Colts. I might get to drive a car around a city, but odds are I won't get to drive a tank and blow up civilians (though I won't rule it out). If I wanted to learn history from a video game, I'd play Mario is Missing, not pray for a Survivor RPG not based on magic, war, or the renaissance.
I don't hate you, I just hate your letter. But it's not my job to JUDGE YOUR INPUT WITH AN ABSOLUTE HAND. So let's ask the readers.
--- Closing Comments --- What's your take on the validity of video games as tools of entertainment and escape? Would you rather assume the role of Joe Millionaire and play your way through months of grueling episodes only to discover your entire video-game relationship is a sham? Do you want to play your way through 23894 pages of Dr. Quirmbach's math textbook? Or do you want to travel back to 1512 and destroy castles with magic and swords and funny religious iconography?
I'm printing every letter I get next week, so write in or I'll steal all your Cheez Whiz.
And if you don't have any I'll buy it all just so you can't.
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |