[06.12] XX - Key to the Lauded Victories
What follows is a collection of letters received between the dates of March 13 and May 27 -- surely this wide spread is a testament to the column's outstanding appeal! In fact, I could almost take us in a quarterly direction. If one column every three months is what it takes to culture a frothy and ravenous appetite for Heart Containers within all of you, indubitably it can be done. But I would like to make it clear that any adherence to any sort of schedule is purely a coincidence from this point henceforth. And hitherto actually.
Last week I asked you all to send in letters and tell me what your favorite episode of the venerable Heart Containers has been throughout its twenty-issue run. Who could have possibly imagined that when I joined the N-Sider crew almost exactly two years ago to the day, that I'd one day be the most proliferous producer of defammatory content on the site and a co-creator of the milestone news publication, The Press? Not I, faithful readers, not I. But you responded! Some of you wrote in to tell me about your favorite issues, some of you wrote in to tell me about your dream Smash Brothers character (WHICH YOU MISSED THE BOAT ON JERKS THAT WAS LAST TIME), some of you wrote in to tell me things that had nothing to do with absolutely anything, and some of you were Matthew Newhart, who sent me this foreboding and observant reflection:
Your really wierd you crap head
Please don't look at the animals. They have been sheltered from society. No flash photography. Sir! SIR! DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH MISTER NEWHAR---
| Oh, Alan |
What the hell?
I was getting set to write you my awesome idea of putting Crash Bandicoot and Lara Croft in the next Smash Brothers game, when all of a sudden I noticed that you updated your column! What's worse, is that it was more or less on time!
Brandon, this is just not acceptable.
Us fans of heart containers don't have time to sit around and actually write you amusing letters once a week! We've got things to do! For example, I spent my week IMing you to complain that you wern't updating your column enough. So if that isn't example enough of the responsiblity your readers are forced to shoulder, I have no idea what is.
Regardless, you asked for my favorite letter/column of Hearts Containers, and thus I will oblige. So far, I'd have to say I'm rather attached to this one:
(Text of this very letter was contained here but has been OMITTED because I didn't want to tag it all, love Brandon) -ed.
I think it just came in at the right time, and people were really ready to embrace what it had to offer. Also, USA #1 4 evar.
-Alan
| Alan Smithee |
Dear Alan,
As you may know, the deadline for Smash Brothers idea submission has passed, and you were too slow. We understand your devotion to the cause, and do not wish to leave you unrewarded, however. As a treat, so you would not miss the opportunity to write in regarding this topic, we have delayed the column for three months. We hope this deadline extension pleased you.
We also offer you this consolation prize. It is in the mail.
Sincerely,
The Staff of Heart Containers
| A Letter From Nick |
Hey Brandon. Love the site--I would've been sending stuff in, but I didn't know about the feature until now.
Kid Icarus would be awesome in Smash Brothers.
Actually, how about Perrin Kaplin, Iwata or the Regginator? Wouldn't they look hilarious caricatured?? Iwata could use the DS touchscreen like a voodoo doll!
Nick
| Is Worth Two in the Bush |
Didn't know about the feature until now? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST TWENTY ISSUES, NICK?
As a token of my gratitude I am sending this man to kill you:
Yes folks, my skills are for hire.
| Chompy McChomp |
Hi, um, I know the what-character-do-you-want-in-the-next-Smash-Bros-game was last column...but I was painfully unaware of it, and have nothing much to say on your current topic of discussion (Except for the fact that my favorite column was the other one I wrote into), so I thought that I might just send you a TOTALLY AWESOME idea. And picture.
I would like Chain Chomp to be a playable character in the next Super Smash Bros. game. That would be real swell, I think. So swell, I made you a picture of it.
-Mr. Bloober
| Marty-o |
Mr. Bloober,
Your picture is good. I like it. Perhaps in the next installment of Smash Brothers, we will all be mister chompy and we will chomp the crap out of everything.
The question remains, however: If we stand there and stare at him for a couple hundred seconds, will he flash colors and fly away from the stage? I think the answer is yes.
| An HOUR? |
Dear mr, Brandon I've been reading your column for quite some time now but for some unknown reason I never sent you a letter. I've notice you've been short of letters as of late so I decided to finally write you one. I've been reading and enjoying your witty remarks for months now, in fact your column is one of the only things in life that make me forget about my severe case of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia that makes me inebriated with rage! schizophrenia that makes me feel a deity's strength! schizophrenia that makes me want to burn things! to pillage houses! and most of all to KILL! KILL! KILL!
Well, any way here's a picture of a cute kitty.
At least I think it's a kitty. I've also noticed that I'm not the only one who's been influenced by you. Why, just a couple of weeks ago I've read a Paul McCartney interview. And I quote "People often say that John wrote The Walrus when he was under the influence of LSD, you know. But in fact, you know, it was one night in 1965 when we noticed a smoking machine in the horizon, we also noticed a silhouetted figure shaped like a Walrus so we approached it, and all the way through the trail we heard this loud obnoxious voice, you know, screaming GOO GOO GOO JOOB. It turn out that it was in fact a man on fire screaming for help, so we poured some water on him, you know, then he mummbled something about him inventing a Time Machine, you know, and that it was the first time he'd tested it. So we got to talking and he gave us some oddly shaped cigarettes. He also mention his name I think, brand daik something or other." concrete evidence that it was not Bob Dylan who gave The Beatles some smoking fairies, but it was you dear Mr. Brandon who gave them the FlyingDragon smokes and influenced the outburst of brilliance that is The Beatles.
I've also heard that you and your colleague "Smith" are working on "The Press 2". May I be so bold to suggest some ideas;
-Idea no.1; a before they where stars section in which you'll write about Link's long time struggle with anorexia, (I'm not saying he's anorexic, but if he'll hide behind a sign-post he'll disappear) the reason for Kirby's appetite (He puffs a little to much, if you know what I mean) and of course Mario's connection with a certain nonchalant "disposal company."
-Idea no.2; I actually don't have a second idea, but you have to admit the first one isn't bad.
Enough yap. You asked for my personal favorite Heart Container letter/column. After long consideration (lasting a exactly 27 and half seconds) I've decided that my favorite letter is the one in the 12th installment, when some guy send you a letter consisting a billion words and you just summerized it by showing pictures of the things he wrote about. I like to call it "My toilet is broken" (I have my reasons) As for my favorite installment is the 14th one. Why? because it was long with in your face replys, such as; the one when some guy sent you a letter with some bad internet spelling, such as; "Warez spelling" or as I like to call it "Stupid Flaming Goat spelling" lol. (get the pun, lol) I like to call that one; "A laugh, a chuckle and a letter with wacky consequences."
Signed by; The S.S. Saturn A.K.A Seymour Nodice A.K.A Dingo "I got chocolate in my pants" Chavez
P.S. There's a bunch banners on top of the site that been mocking me with their beauty for months now. I hope to be an illustrator myself someday and it will mean a lot to me if you or one of the N-Sider staffer could make them these beautiful fan-works into wallpapers? (Preferably sized 1024X780.) so me and the rest of the people who often visit and dwell the site could decorate our desktop with them and enjoy them more thoroughly. And also the name of the person who drew them. Thank you.
P.P.S. I was just kidding about the McCartney thing. We all know you lack the funds to purchase some plutonium that's needed for a Time Machine.
P.P.P.S. I forgot mention Nintendo, so Nintendo... they're great.
P.P.P.P.S. Well, that's an hour of my life I'll never get back.
| Sheesh |
The banners were created by former art mogul Matt Musselman. I don't know what sorts of resources we have kicking around and I don't think there is source imagery at such a natively high resolution since they were drawn with the top banner in mind.
To comment on the rest of your letter I present to you a picture of what one reader may look like after reading it:
| Jessica Smells |
I can't remember what the question was for this one.. Oh yeah, what was your favorite Heart Containers column EVAR. My answer to that is: what a lame damn question, brandon.
I mean, seriously. Can't you think of anything better? I know there are more than 19 video game related questions you could ask your adoring readers. What should nintendo do next? If you could design a dream system, what would it be like? INCLUDE PICTURES, etc. Design the next nintendo hero's uniform, or design the next hero.
SO, my favorite heart containers column is none of them because YOU SUCK BUTT.
Love, Jessy
PS - I'm leaving you for Alan! Sayonara, sucker.
| Ha Ha |
Jessica gets insolent sometimes and thinks I should ask silly questions that have a purpose like "what should Nintendo do next?" I mean we all know that doesn't matter. "Design the next hero?" Psh... too conversational and creative.
So I had to introduce her to someone.
MY FIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Jessy, will you ever win?
P.S. Ricardo made those pictures animate like that and because he did it for me you must all go now worship him at the hobosprings. PAY YOUR TRIBUTE, BUZZARDS
| First |
Your really wierd you crap head
Matthew Newhart
| Grade |
omfg eat a poop
| Second |
YOu have an almost perfect site but, I like the Nintendo DS and I can't wait for Wario Ware Twisted because of the Gyro sensor and every thing well there is something that bothers me talking about other systems than nintendo's in some of your articles. I come here to see stuff about sony & microsoft(I like all three)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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So I wan't Super Smash Bros. for the DS and the PSP to be $100 cheaper
Sincerely, Your Worst Nightmare
P.S. Please post this oh your wierd
| Letter |
Evidently one letter wasn't enough for our friend, "[My] Worst Nightmare." So he had to send this one too.
You are the reason my column exists, guy. I could spend lines pointing your grammatical and punctuation errors out. For instance, it is not on a regular basis that people add 550 exclamation points to the end of a phrase. Yes, there's really that many there. I bet you feel bad now, huh? In addition, "your" should not be used when you mean "you are" and "wan't" is not a contraction, nor is "wierd" actually a word.
P.S. oh your wierd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Twofer |
Hi! I started reading Heart Containers only a few installments ago. Don't bail this time, okay! I promise to keep reading as long as you keep writing.
Because I haven't been reading for long, it wouldn't be fair to give an all-time fav. If I had to say, it would be the one by Alan. Ahaha! It's funny because there are so many of them.
I hope you share a favorite. It's this one, right?
- GJM
Hi, Brandon. I've always thought that people who send in two letters kind of suck. So please pardon this--my second letter. On the other hand, you haven't updated the column in a long time, so we're even.
I read some of your past columns and still don't have a favorite letter. Sorry. I do have a favorite closing comment, though. It's in Heart Containers IX. You only got two letters in that edition. Two. So, you gave some heartfelt closing comments and returned in less than a week. What did you find then? So many letters, you almost had to use a hyphen to write out the number in proper English. My conclusion: A good closing comment yields a gain in letters.
The site was pretty good on April 1st. That was cool, don't you think?
- GJM
| Thepriceofone |
The site was cool on April 1st because everything linked to The Press. Dean's picture was funny too. We got famous from that, did you know that? I saw it on CNN! "Star Fox Assault Criminalized" and I knew we had hit it big.
Perhaps this time I will write a good closing comment and you will all send me so many letters that I can't breathe!
| George Tellah |
Hey Happy 20th Column! I'm a long time reader, first time writer. While I really can't say which column letter is my favorite I love the humor in Heart Containers. Almost like Conan O' Brian when he busts on himself then busts on people for laughing.
Well.......I have nothing of great importance to say so I leave you with an enclosed picture of our main man................
| Holy Crap |
Hey, you're right! George Clooney also bears a striking resemblance to Octomamm:
| Nothing |
Dear Brandon,
Just whatever will you be doing with all of the E3 swag that you undoubtedly obtained on your visit to Los Angeles?
-A very curious individual
| Stuff |
Dear Alan,
I'm glad you asked! To be honest, I sold some of it on eBay. This gave me the means to eat for a couple of weeks.
The rest of the things basically adorn my room.
But read the closing comments!
--- Closing Comments --- So I told you to read this and you are. Good thing, too, because I have AN AMAZING DEAL for you Heart Containers readers.
Here it is. Everyone reading this needs to send me a letter for next time, one that is ON TOPIC. Of all the letters I receive, I will randomly select one winner to e-mail back. If you receive this e-mail from me, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE A WINNER! The winner will get a very swanky
MARIO KART DS STYLUS, fresh from E3.
I hear you cry "marketing gimmick!" and you're right, you're right. But you know you all want a Mario Kart DS stylus. And how damned hard is it to just send a little letter to me? I will not discriminate on quality. Just send me a letter that in some way pertains to the topic, and you're eligible.
For next week, you need to e-mail me and tell me about a fictional game that would never be made if it was presented to the Nintendo people who figure out whether or not to make a game. Kirby's Adventure in Bile? Super Mario: Vice City? Perhaps even Super Metroid X-Treme Beach Volleyball! Get creative, you pundits, and let's all show off how funny we can be!
Or I'll kill you all!
XOXO
Brandon
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |