If it is possible to be any kind of release day fanboy for a video game, I am surely one of them when it comes to the painfully named Theatrhythm Final Fantasy, a game with a title so absurd that it has forced me to reprogram my mind when typing the brutal "trhyth" string of letters that does not otherwise exist in any printed communications. So aboard the hype Phantom Train AHOHO I have been with this game that I not only ordered it but also went to minor pains to acquire the recently-released Final Fantasy 25th Anniversary playing card set, which is ass-rendingly amazing, like my ass is cleaved in two with a Cyan SwdTech, it's almost as good as my Dragon Quest cards! WHOA MAN, yeah I know, but just chill out, accept it.

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I also purchased the official coffee mug of the game. These are pains no fan of anything should ever have to sink to, and yet here I am, treasuring my promotional goods, which I paid money for, I ripped the box the mug was shipped in like a savage animal, and took it out and forced the people around me to look at it, they were like "hey neat" and I was like no, you have to look at all the sides of it. I stood there and spun it around for them, they looked around as if searching for a clock or an exit.

Though the infernal game just finally landed on my doorstep, I had a chance to pop it in for precisely 57 minutes, a statistic you can see reflected here, on my in-game profile card, which is needlessly terminologized as "ProfiCard," because hey when you're already roasting a hog with "Theatrhythm" you might as well just slam every combination of words together that you can possibly find, even if they do not actually connect either in sound or spelling, like the words profile and card.

One of the coolest things about this game, aside from all the other stuff that actually makes up "the game," is the fact that although the songs you play as "the game itself" are all the originals, the menu tunes are clever remixes of classic Final Fantasy songs. I nearly blew a joy o-ring when I went to a particular screen and was presented with a new mix of the Sky Pirates' Den tune from Final Fantasy XII, a game I love more than anyone has any right to.

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If Square Enix are masters of anything, it's polish, and the game just reeks of it, it is so goddamned stinky with polish that I play it and I am like "whoa, what's that stink, oh wait it's the polish!!" It just feels so Nice and Good to be playing a game like this on the 3DS instead of a dumb ol' PSP. Even though it's a rhythm game, a nostalgia trip, whatever, it feels absolutely Septuple A, that is an A with six more letter As, AAAAAAA. Another thing I like is how the various little modes and features gradually ping open as I go through it, even a paltry hour in. Jesus christ! There are even little trading cards you can collect and view in a binder, and I haven't even tried equipping my dudes with items and shit yet, but the first thing I did when the DLC store unlocked (yes, you have to actually play the game a bit before Square Enix allows you to give them more money) was pop my ass in there and buy RIDE ON, RIDE ON MUTHA FUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I just love this game, good lord. I am the wrong person to even be talking about it because I love it so much, it was made for me to love it, maybe it is better to listen to some cranky old warthog piss and moan about how it's stupid for a reason that I do not trust coming from him, even though he is not me or my people and he doesn't know anything. Maybe that makes me the right person to be talking about it?!

I should put some catchy line here! Big things come in small packages! Let's view the world through rose-tinted glasses! It's never felt so good to be a fan of Final Fantasy! oh man