What can you do with New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set? Well, one piece is the background. You set it up in the back. The other piece is a bunch of punch-outable cardboard characters that you fold together. The package contains suggested playing instructions. You can launch them off the little cardboard launcher into other things to knock those things down. Whoa mama! It's fun when things knock other things down. Almost as much fun as New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Ahaha, no. Hey, it comes with gum though!
The gum is two textureless slabs that crumble away in my hands. I fight for it, I desperately try to shovel the disintegrating gum dust into my slobbery chew hole, but it eludes me. When I finally scoop Willy Wonka's jackoff into my mouth it turns to sweet rubber, gritty yet slick. I am unpleased. As it slops between my crunchers my cat walks to the window, gazing longingly at the outside world, a world he may never fully understand. The vaguely pineapple-flavored Stink seeps into the deep caverns beneath my teeth, taking root, injecting its soiled seed.
One suggested way you can play with this cardboard is to use the characters as finger puppets. I attempt to fully grasp the possibilities before resorting to the only form of communication I am versed in: single-fingered sweet science.
If I was six years old and I had never heard of video games before, would it be fun? Maybe, but I would probably wonder who this damned Mario was and where I could get more of him, and then I would find the video game and buy it oh now I see what you're doing Nintendo. I see what you are doing. What is the deal with the New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set Gum... set? It is barely a game, it is barely a gum, it is not fun, it is kind of dumb. I wrote that.