Viewing by tag: brandon daiker
  1. My daughter is literally two weeks old, I put her in a bassinet next to me, it is a word I just learned, it's a basket on wheels that you put your fresh baby in because they are fragile and important and about as mobile as a zucchini. All I want, for the love of god, is to get an hour or so of time that is unpunctuated with shocking emissions of any sort, from the ass, mouth, or butt. That's because I have decided that babies are boring, but setting my virtual baseball team to double-speed autopilot and watching their statistics simulate an inconsequential game so that I might win a modicum of...
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  2. Something weird called out to me today from just outside the boundaries of the miasmatic illusion I call my life and the name of it is Nintendo Labo. Labo is a normal word in English. Nintendo Labo is a thing that—like so much of Nintendo's best work—we cannot understand or comprehend until the moment they show it to us. Nintendo Labo is straight up Nintendo, who just sold ten million of their newest hottest electronic gizmo in town and of course have decided they'd like to say "hey watch me papercraft." It is a misdirect, a perfect juke, and yet very much not only in the vein of...
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  3. Leave it to hardware speculation to drag my ass outta retirement... A trio of new patents published today (1, 2, and 3) and dug up by a guy on NeoGAF named Disorientator have seemingly fully detailed the fundamental tricks and functionality of the forthcoming NX—and it’s only a little bit what everyone speculated. Keep in mind that everything I talk about in this article has been gleaned specifically from these (and previous) patents. Just because something is patented doesn't mean it will be used, or that it's going to really be exactly what happens. This is just one Nintendo superfan's best-educated...
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  4. I tried to write something eloquent here, and found that I just don't have the words. So here are some pictures of us as children, with the man who embodied everything that could possibly be right about how to make video games, how to value a team of artists and visionaries, and how to inspire impressionable boys and girls to make stupid websites like this one. He will never be replaced.
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  5. Dear reader, It's getting to be about that time of year. All of us have something to do or somewhere to go, whether it's in front of the TV or down the street, or thousands of miles away. Bein's how we're just a few people who run this site, it's probably best for us to take a little break while we all do our thing. So, startin' now we on vacation. Check back after the New Year for another year of articles, some more crude jokes about kissing fresh babies, plenty of Mouth-On impressions of chalky inedible garbage, angry, disheveled rants about points of minor consequence, and maybe even...
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  6. When I was younger I almost never got new games. I had to luck out at the video store with weekend rentals, and I had the Hot Knowledge of Nintendo Tape Magazine to assist me in picks—though with the slim rental choices it more often than not came down to looking at box art. You and I both know that before you put a game on that Christmas list you had to have made damned sure it was an A+++ winner cause you were gonna have to play the hell out of it for the next year. It also just so happens that the years during which I was at the really great Christmas present age were also some...
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  7. Maybe it's cause of the kind of person I am—and I'm not saying I am necessarily a whimpering, masochistic weakling who craves being witness to the expert display of the skills and talents of others—but I have always kind of been entranced by storytellers. People who create works for others to experience. But also maybe expert tour-guides? Sketch artists? People with plans, masters of their crafts, no matter how small they are. Sometimes there's this guy down the row who hand-grinds coffee, I just freeze in my seat and listen to it and I feel kinda chills or something, I love it. People stamping...
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  8. You know those fancy buttons underneath the left and right sticks on the PlayStation 3 that are called R3 and L3? They don't actually have any names on the Wii U. The in-game documentation via prompts in Nintendo Land and Ninja Gaiden just say "Hold R" with a picture of a stick that has two little arrows above it. I think this is similar to what the 360 does maybe? This shot's from the Internet browser, which has pictures that show the little "press in" arrow. Ninja Gaiden 3 uses a similar graphic. Notably, Nintendo Land never actually shows a picture with an arrow, just says "Press (picture...
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  9. Not long after setting up my Miiverse information for the first time, I decided it was time to spruce up the decor a little bit by jazzin' out my profile message. While I was fond of the original "Do, Re, Egon" greeting, it was time to push the envelope a little bit. With the assistance of my favorite linguistic website, I pieced together a polite and affable greeting I'd be happy to show you, your girlfriend, or your grandmother's girlfriend: "He knew I couldn't wait to consume the battered roadkill off his veiny quim prod." I figured the relatively obsfucated nature of the literary stylings...
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  10. Fire up your copy of New Super Mario Bros. U and you'll see it right there on the title screen, next to the prompt imploring you to PUSH 2 TO START even if you are using the normal actual controller that game with the Wii U, on which there is no "2" anywhere. Version 1.1.0, it says! Did you know that other games also include these version numbers prominently? In Nintendo Land, all you have to do is go to the main menu, then click options. You can see it there at the bottom, 1.1.0. Even my downloaded copy of Ninja Gaiden 3: Razor's Edge contains a version number, this one also at the...
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