Volume 1, Issue 1 20 October 2004

News Bits

Revolution Details Spinning Up

Sources close to designers of Nintendo's new "Revolution" console have let slip an interesting bit of news on the system's potential design: Nintendo president Iwata has recently invested over thirty million dollars into founding a new R&D team. The team is currently being referred to as R&D45RPM 'Merry-go-Round Division'.

One leaked photo has also found its way to the office, offering nothing more than a picture of a playground merry-go-round with a disembodied head of Mario perched atop. Could this be a hint at the design of the upcoming Revolution?

More to come as it breaks.

News Bits

Several Pikmin Dead after Vicious Attack in Garden

Several Pikmin were found dead this afternoon following an apparent onslaught of rage by their creator, Shigeru Miyamoto. Reportedly, Pikmin of not only the red and yellow varieties, but the blue as well, were harmed or destroyed.

One next-door neighbor spoke candidly to the press.

"I've never seen him like this before. He was thrashing and flailing about with a bottle in one hand and a Garden Claw in the other. Those poor little Pikmin were flying everywhere. I heard their cute little screams!"

One group was reportedly felled as they attempted communally to carry a large token with the number ten on it back to a large onion-shaped object from which other Pikmin were emerging.

Captain Olimar was unable to be reached for questioning, but stated in a public conference that the incident was "distressing" and that he was unable to be certain that he would ever "repair [his] ship" and "get off of this un-inhabitable planet."

News Bits

Nintendo Targets New Demographic with Next Mario Title

Not long after revealing their "Super Mario 64 DS" title for the new DS handheld, Nintendo has announced that the next GameCube Mario title is going to appeal to an older, more mature demographic.

"We feel that gamers nowadays are more interested in the urban culture, as evidenced by the popularity of recent titles like Def Jam: Vendetta and NBA Ballers," said head of Marketing Reginald Fils-Aime. "Because of this recent trend, we're focusing our efforts on making the next Mario title more in line with urban culture. After all, Mario is from Brooklyn, and we think he could really bring down the hiz-ouse. That's right, isn't it? Hiz-ouse?"

Reportedly to take place in the slums of the Mushroom Kingdom, "Super Mario Druglord" will have some drastic changes from previous entries in the series.

"Oh yeah," said Fils-Aime, "The Mushroom Kingdom will be... hoppin', with lots of dope rides. Dope rides, that's right, isn't it?"

Fils-Aime went on to say that in addition to the dope rides, the Mushroom Kingdom would also be inhabited with several "fly bitches" and "thug gangsta's" who would be happy to "kick ass and take names."

Druglord is scheduled for a Q2 2005 release.

News Bits

Popular Acclaim Title Denied Honors

An Acclaim representative today commented on Nintendo's recent denial of "Player's Choice" status to the Acclaim title "BMX XXX."

"We've always been committed to making tasteful, quality product for all of the videogame consoles, and for Nintendo to deny our groundbreaking super-hit BMX XXX the Player's Choice status it so rightfully deserves is just astounding to us here at Acclaim," the representative wrote in a statement to The Press.

"I mean, I play the game nearly every day, and I'm a player. It's my choice, isn't it? Doesn't that make it Player's Choice? Hey, you guys wanna hit up this sweet kegger tonight? Dave from Marketing's going to pee in a cup and make Frank drink it."

BMX XXX made waves by being one of the first videogames to offer images of breasts as rewards for better gameplay.

The game received low-to-average reviews.

Front Page | 20 October 2004 Edition